You Don’t Know Why You Do What You Do
What if the thing that’s driving you forward is also what’s keeping you from actually living?
I went from pharmacist to corporate consultant, grinding my way up a ladder I thought I wanted to climb.
Satisfaction from promotions was fleeting. A job well done was met with another job – there was no end in sight.
So I looked elsewhere. I ran my first race thinking it would finally feel like enough.
It didn’t. I was already thinking about the next one before I crossed the finish line. I never stopped to ask why.
I kept waiting for life to feel the way I’d been told it would – better, fuller, more meaningful as you aged.
What I found was the more I achieved, the farther I felt from living a good life.
In the moment it feels productive – there’s a sense of progress being made.
But I was so caught up in the doing I never bothered to ask what I was actually chasing.
Racing and my career had more in common than I realized – the same restless engine was driving both.
Nothing was ever enough and it never would be.
Because behind most high-performers is an unexamined wound that we’re running from.
Often it’s a childhood feeling of not being enough that got channeled into achievement as proof of worth.
Until that wound is seen and healed, every goal is secretly in service of it.
You Have No Idea What You Are Doing
We all set goals – consciously or not. We work toward them constantly.
But our actions reveal something we rarely examine: the motivations underneath.
Most people are so caught up in the doing that there’s no time for reflection.
What you can’t see is how your past is quietly shaping your future. To change the trajectory, you have to become aware of how you came to be who you are.
This isn’t turning winners into victims or pathologizing ambition. Not all drive comes from a wound.
What I’m saying is this – when the next goal never lands and rest feels dangerous, that’s a pattern you need to recognize. It has a specific origin.
For me, it was a deep-seated feeling of not being loved. I was tormented by family and peers over my appearance as a child, and I didn’t get the support I needed from my parents at the time.
Everything I have done since has been in service to protecting that kid.
I’d be willing to bet your wound has had a similar shape.
Rediscover Your Creativity
There is a solution – and it doesn’t require killing your drive.
You can address the root of the wound while still moving forward. What changes is the desperation underneath the doing.
When you begin to resolve the underlying wound, something shifts. The noise quites.
You don’t even realize how much of your mental energy was being consumed by it until it starts to loosen. Choices that felt impossible start to feel available.
For the first time, there’s a real sense of autonomy – not the performed kind but something that actually feels like yours.
Because for most of your life, you’ve been playing out someone esle’s idea of what your life should look like.
It’s a strange feeling – uncertain, but oddly grounding. For me, turning inward and sitting with my past has led to a quieter, more settled way of moving through the world.
To my suprise, it also unlocked something I thought I’d lost entirely – my creative side through reading, writing, and art. Parts of me I’d buried under the relentless pursuit of the next thing.
Discovering The Old Parts of You
As a child, you learned that love and safety came from the outside – from approval, performance, achievement.
You adapted. You built a version of yourself designed to earn what should have been freely given.
Most of us are still running that same program decades later, without realizing it.
What I’ve found most useful is going back – not to relive the pain, but to finally meet the parts of you that got stuck there.
Have you ever noticed that part of you wants to slow down – genuinely rest and be present – while another part won’t let you? That the moment you stop, something uncomfortable rises up and you reach for the next task, the next goal, the next distraction?
In fact our mind (i.e., our ego), can be thought of as a family of parts. Each part plays a specific role with positive intentions.
But sometimes these parts get hurt and stuck in the past – carrying burdens like shame, fear, and worthlessness that were never theirs to carry.
My first experience connecting with a part was strange. It was a young boy that showed up as tension on the right side of my back. I could feel this part of me in my body.
As I got to know him, chills would run down my spine. It was like I was talking to a part of myself for the first time in my life.
I’ve spent a lot of time getting to know this part, and others. It led me back to the wound that has quietly shaped my life ever since.
By re-experiencing those painful moments as the person I am now, not the child I was, I was able to offer that part something it never got – the support it needed at the time.
The memories don’t disappear. But they lose their grip.
If You Want to Try This – The Protocol
If you want to try this, here’s where I’d start:
Relax
Find somewhere quiet and get into a relaxed position. Take a few minutes to find your breath and focus on each inhale and exhale.
Choose a Protector
Pick something familiar like an inner critic, workaholic, caretaker, or even where judgement shows up. If there’s nothing obvious, just notice what’s been bugging you lately.
Locate It In Your Body
Notice the voice, emotion, thought pattern, or physical sensation and where it lives (chest, stomach, shoulders, etc.). This somatic step helps bypass overthinking parts.
Check Your Attitude Toward It
Ask yourself: “How do I feel toward this part right now?” If it’s anything other than curious/compassionate (e.g., frustrated, scared, judgmental), politely ask those other manager parts to step back for a moment so the Self can lead.
Get Curious and Ask Open Questions
“What do you want me to know about yourself?”
“What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t take over / do your job?”
“What would you prefer to do instead?”
“How old do you think I am?” (protectors often think you’re still a helpless child)
“What do you need from me going forward?”
Listen, Appreciate, and Build a New Relationship
Thank the part for its protective intent (even if the behavior has been harmful). Let it know the Self is now here to lead so it can relax. You may feel a shift – softening, energy moving, or the part “dissipating” its extreme energy.
You can do this anytime. You don’t need a therapist, and you don’t need to start with the deep traumas. Just begin building a relationship with your parts. If you want to go deeper, I highly recommend Internal Family Systems by Dr. Richard Schwartz. And my DMs are open as well.
When I first encountered the idea of the mind as a family of parts, I thought it sounded preposterous – honestly, a little weak.
But after my first real experience with it, I connected to myself in a way I hadn’t quite managed before.
It’s been a long journey – and it’s not over. But something has shifted.
I’m no longer running from the parts of me that were trying to get my attention all along.
That, it turns out, is a different kind of finish line.